I choose you

"Mom!", Saira screamed as she rushed into her mother's house. "Oh, shit! The baby", she exclaimed. Had her mother heard her, she would have gotten a look of reprimand. Saira rushed back out to her car to get her one year old baby girl who was in the car seat, playing with the monkey mobile, oblivious of her mother's mood.

"MOM!", Saira screamed as she got Anisa in with her. She went into the kitchen and no one was there. She kept the baby carrier down in the living room and took Anisa in her arms. "Where are you mom?" she muttered to herself as she started walking through the house. She checked her mom's room; it was empty. "Mom!" she called out in desperation one final time before realizing that her mom was not at home and she hadn't bothered to call first to let her mom know she was coming. What was she going to say? "Salaam mom, my husband is cheating on me."?

"Saira?", she heard her grandmother call out. Saira wiped her tears and shifted her baby to the other hip before she moved down the corridor to her grandmother's room. She opened the door and smiled at her grandmom "Salaam Nani" she greeted her. "Walaykum salaam my dear". Her grandmother sat up on her bed. She was old. Maybe eighty? She had lost all her teeth, her hair was thinning and she covered her head with a pink scarf that made her took more of a child than an elder. She smiled her toothless happy to see her granddaughter and great granddaughter. She said a prayer of thanks to Allah as she lifted her arms towards Anisa. God had granted her a long life and she was able to hold not only her daughter, granddaughter but also great granddaughter. Few people had the privilege to feel the joy of a great grandchild in your arms.

Anisa went into her arms happily as she giggled and pulled the pink scarf off her. Nani also gave a laugh and hugged her. Saira looked on. Her expression blank. Nani could see that she had been crying. "What's wrong my dear?", she asked. "Where is mom Nani? I need to talk to her" Saira asked, her voice tinged with despair. "She has gone for her weekly shopping. It's Wednesday. You know she goes shopping on Wednesday. Didn't you call before coming?". Thanks to mobile phones, no one ever drops in unannounced anymore. "No, I just came", Saira said as she looked down. She would not break into tears. She didn't want to tell her grandmom anything. Just mom. She needed her mom.

"Come here. Sit." ,Nani said pointing towards the edge of her bed. Saira sat down and wondered what she should do. Should she wait for her mom? Yes, she would wait. She had to talk to someone else she was sure to go hysterical. "What's wrong? Did you fight with Sameer?" Nani asked her as Saira started playing with the edge of her grandmother's quilt. "No". She said. It was true. She hadn't met Sameer since she found out.

She had decided to clean out writing biro and throw out her old periodicals, letters and bills. While going through the Sameer's old diaries, she had found it. Written in his handwriting, proclaiming his love for Susan. Saira at first thought it must have been a mistake but as she read through the letter, her body went cold realizing that this was a different person. This was someone whom Sameer worked with. Her mind played back the words:

Dear Susan,

Today I saw you at the copier and stopped in my tracks. You were a vision in yellow. I wanted to turn away but I couldn't. I walked up to the printer. When you saw me, you smiled. A smile that filled my day with untold happiness. Your bright chatter, your compliments on X logo presentation made me feel like the king of the jungle. Is it possible for a woman to do that to you?

I am a married man. Married to a wonderful woman. Yet in my dreams, I see you. I look forward to coming to work every day, knowing you will be there. I don't know how it happened or when it happened, but you surrounded me and now I live this troubled life. At times I feel you look at me, as though you want me to say something. May be you feel the same?

What do I do Susan?

Sameer

"Tell me my dear", Nani asked gently. "What's wrong?". Saira could hold on no more and her tears flowed uncontrolledly. "Oh Nani", she sobbed as she pulled out the letter from her pocket. She passed it to her and Nani reached for her glasses by the bedside table. She fumbled as she put them on while Anisa tried to grab the letter. Saira took Anisa in her arms so that Nani could read the letter. Saira could feel her go still as she also realised what was written.

"I'm so sorry love, this must be tough. when did you get this?"she asked. "Today", Saira answered. "Did you talk to him?", "Not yet. I found it an hour back when I was cleaning out the biro." Saira said, as she wiped her tears. Anisa, the baby become quite as she looked up at her mother and then great grandmother. she could feel the tension in the room. "What do you plan on doing?" nani asked. "I don't know!", Saira exclaimed. "Ask for a divorce? then he can go and live happily with this Susan", she added angrily. Her face was red hot and she was beginning to shake.

Nani looked at her for a few moments before removing her specs and setting them aside. She folded the letter carefully and kept it besides her. I think it's time you knew something about me. Something I have never told anyone in my entire life. Something that I hope will stay with you my dear granddaughter. Whatever decision you make from this, I will totally respect it.

Saira looked at her grandmother curiously. What could she have to tell her that was never to be repeated to another. She looked at her in anticipation.Nani tooked a deep breath as she began narrating. "As you know, or may have forgotten that I was born in Lamu and your grandfather was from Zanzibar. When I turned fifteen, he had come with his family to see me at our home. He was young too. Eighteen. Marriage during my times, in our Islamic society was different from today's modern society. In your case, Saira for example, you choose your own husband. You both went to school together and choose to marry one another. In my times, we were most likely to be stoned. Your grandfather and I did not even look at one another. I was scared of his mother and he was scared of my father." Nani laughed. As she thought of her olden days. Even through her pain, Saira grinned at the thought of her grandfather, who had passed away a few years back. "Well so we got married and saw each other on our wedding night", Nani continued. "Ours was a traditional arranged marriage. I had to learn the ways of his family. Keep his mother happy, who was a tough cookie. A little more salt and she would scold me. She loved me also but she rarely showed it. That was her personality, bless her, I learnt all I had to from her. Pulaf and pili pili hoho that you all love, whom do you think taught me? so well, I was a normal Muslim wife. Married to my husband, living with my family, I had three children by the time I was twenty five.

Your grandfather got a good position in Dar-es-Salam and we went across the shore. I remember the first morning very clearly. I had gotten up, prayed and wanted to make breakfast for my family. I had to go out and get some milk and bread. I wore my burkha and in our times, we used to cover our faces too. No one would known it was me. I took my little sanduku and went out. I didn't know where the shops were but I just walked out into the main street and saw this shop that was open. As I walked closer, I was delighted to see Mahambri and flat breads on the counter. "Oh good, I can get bread from this place". I walked into the store and there was this man, in his kaftan, he had a pointed beard and swahili cap on his head. I could see him, but he couldn't see me. He saw me enter and greeted me "Assalam Alaykum" and smiled.
Nani paused for a second as she saw herself back at that moment. She said so gently, "I fell in love". Saira looked at her grandmom astonished. surely she had heard it incorrectly. "There I was, a wife and mother of three kids and I fell in love with a stranger who looked at me, just another human being to him, but to me, he looked at me and smiled". I stammered to him a number of mahambri's and flat breads and he packed it for me and respectfully kept the package on the counter. He didn't even give it in my hand for fear of touching me. I put the money on the counter. Took the bread parcel and went on my way in search of milk.

"I didn't know at that time that I had fallen in love with the baker. It was only as days passed and I found myself looking forward to every morning, just to get up and go buy fresh bread from him. Over the time, the baker knew it was me by just seeing me approach. Everyday he would greet me "Assalam alaykum". He would then parcel my order and keep it on the counter. I would keep the money on the counter, take the bread and come back home.

"Are you sure it was love?", Saira asked. It seemed a little too simple for her. Could anyone just fall in love with a stranger? Nani looked at her thoughtfully and replied. "Yes, it was. It was because I often asked myself, why didn't the baker come to see me and marry me. Why did your grandfather come? I got to know about his family and his wife and I often looked at his wife envious that she was so lucky to have married him. I looked at his children, he had four of them, playing outside his shop, and wondered how they would have looked if I was their mother. Now do you believe when I say I fell in love?" Nani asked a befuddled Saira. Saira nodded. She would never have imagined her grandmother of all people, ever having such thoughts for another man apart from her grandfather. She had seen them. They were a perfect couple. Her grandmother always fussing over him while her grandfather sat silently and smiled through her tempers. Saira knew her grandfather would tease her grandmother just to see her get riled up. Like a boy who lights the fire cracker and then looks up and watches the beautiful lights. He had winked at Saira many times before saying something to Nani that would get her red and hot. She had grown up watching them. Wanting a marriage like them. Her mother and two uncles adored them. When grandfather had passed away, it had been a difficult time. She remembered Nani not eating for days, crying. They had been scared that they would lose her too.
Saira couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was this the same grandmother? Her grandmother was confessing to loving another man, dreaming of being another man's wife while married to her grandfather. Was this real? Was this possible?
"As much as it is tough for you to believe me, it would be more tough for you to ever imagine my emotions. I was married with children and my heart longed every morning to see the face of another man. I lived with this guilt my whole life."

"Did grandfather knew?" Saira asked

"He knew." Nani answered. "He knew the day he went and got the bread and I screamed at him that it was my job to get the bread . He knew that day, why I was always happy to go out to buy bread. He knew why I would look at the time at night to see how fast the night went by. He knew why I would giveaway good leftover bread to the poor, even though we could have had it."

"and?", Saira asked holding her breath

"He was heartbroken". Nani said. A few tears dropped down her eyes as she wiped them with her handkerchief. Saira felt her heart breaking too. She could see the guilt of her grandmother. "Tell me my dear, what could I do? was it my fault that I had gone to buy bread? was it my fault that he greeted all his customers with a smile? was it my fault that I never spoke a word to him but I still fell in love with him?" Nani asked as her tears continued to flow. Saira got up and came sat next to her grandmother. She gave her a hug and wiped her tears away.

After a few moments, when Nani's sobs died down, Nani continued, "Your grandfather was silent for many days. I was scared what would happen. He hadn't asked anything to me. He let me go buy bread and said nothing to me. I guess he accepted my love for the baker .

One day your grandfather came home in the afternoon. He rarely came home in the afternoon. The children were at school. He came through the door and I asked him, is everything okay? He took my hands, made me sit down and told me the baker had passed away. He had a heart attack and his funeral was going to be that evening. I had cried in his arms that day. Cried for the baker and cried asking how did I get such a husband? Your grandfather asked me to go to the baker's house and sit with the family to give them condolence. You see we were a small neighborhood and everyone came together to support one other in times of happiness and grief. I remember going to his home, the first time, all the neighborhood ladies were there. His wife was sobbing and I went and hugged her and told her to be strong. I sat with them for sometime as I cried over my loss too. I would not see his face again, or hear his greetings or have my bread just as I wanted.

Later, your uncles grew up and came to this country and we moved here with them. This is a new world to me. It is different from the world I was brought up in. During my times, things were simple. Boys and girls did not talk. It was bad to fall in love. You married whom your parents choose. Men worked with men. Women worked at home or in schools. Now, your world is so different Saira. Men and women work together. You talk. You get to know each other. Love finds you anywhere. You found love in college. Your brothers are yet to marry. I wonder if they will before I die but anyways, what I am sayng my dear, Sameer did not cheat on you from his letter. He has written down the turmoil in his heart. I recognized it immediately, because I have been there. Another time, another world, but the same emotions. Your grandfather did not give up on me. I am sure he must have felt horrible and if wanted, he could have left me but not only did he not leave me, but he let me go everyday to the bakery. He gave me my tiny piece of happiness. For that my dear, I will always love him and I know on the day of judgment, should God forgive me all my sins and grant me heaven, and should God give me a choice, on whom would I want to live my eternal life with, and should God bring forth two men, your grandfather and the baker, whom do you think my heart would choose? Nani asked Saira with her endearing eyes

Saira smiled. She took her grandmother's hands in her hands and kissed them.

"What are you going to do?" Nani asked. "Go back home and keep the letter where I found it and throw out an old periodical of mine?" Saira said smiling. Nani laughed and hugged her. "May God bless you for understanding my child. You have got the spirit of your grandfather". Saira hugged her grandmother back, got up, took her daughter in her arms and kissed her grandmom on her cheek. "I have to go now. Your secret is with me and my secret is with you." With that Saira for her home.

When she reached home, she placed the letter where she found it. Page 34 of Sameer's 2010 diary. She went about her chores, made dinner, fed her baby and picked up her house. She got dressed, wore her blue dress that Sameer loved, sprayed perfume and waited for 6 o'clock. As every day, Sameer arrived by 6 o'clock and was pleasantly surprised to see his otherwise haggard- running after a toddler- wife, dressed beautifully. Saira went upto him and have him a hug. She leaned into his ears and whispered "You are going to choose me". "Huh?", Sameer asked, confused. "Nothing", Saira smiled mischievously. "It's a secret".