At times in life...

Farhana boarded the aircraft and found her way to her seat. The immigration process had been smooth and she was glad she didn’t have to wait for so long. Soon the plane would take off and they hope to be in Frankfurt in another ten hours. After she settled down on her seat, she quickly gave a last call before they would be asked to switch off their cell phones. “Mama! Take care mama and bring me lot’s of chocolates!” her youngest squealed over the phone. Farhana laughed. “Sure darling. I will get you lot’s of chocolates” she talked to her husband and explained for the tenth time the number of items in the freezer. “I know darling. You take care of yourself. All the best and come back soon! Allah hafiz.” “Allah Hafiz” Farhana replied back and smiled. Ahmed had always been the silent strong figure whom she could lean on to. If she was the general manager of her company, it was all due to him. He had supported her and guided her throughout her career. Ahmed was a major distributor for a textile company and in spite of being so busy; he had always managed both his and his wife’s career along with their family life.

Farhana glanced at the watch. They would be stopping over at London for an hour. She couldn’t wait to get to Frankfurt. Traveling had never a liking... especially air travel. She closed her eyes as the plane took off and said her prayers. There was something about landings and take offs that scared her to death.

When they landed at London, some passengers disembarked the aircraft. After them the passengers towards Frankfurt boarded. Farhana was busy reading her project report file and did not realize her co passenger had come and sat beside her. A few minutes later she glanced up and caught her breath. Why! It was none other than Saleem. “Assalam Alaykum” he greeted her. “Walaykum salam” she replied back. Both of them seemed to be at a loss of speech. They smiled hesitantly and could hardly make eye contact.

“How have you been?” Saleem asked. “Alhamdullilah, good” Farhana replied. “You disappeared after college” he remarked. “Not really” Farhana countered back. “I went back home”. “Of course, home was never London for you” Saleem remarked. “The place hardly mattered. Home is where you feel loved. It’s the people rather than the place that makes all the difference” Farhana expounded. Saleem smiled. “I see you’ve not lost your cheesiness even now” “Nope. Not now, not ever” Farhana affirmed.

They were silent. What more could one say to a stranger who had twenty years before been a very good friend. A friend you had loved… and lost.

Saleem and Farhana had met at the London School of Economics. Farhana was from Capetown and she had looked forward to do her Masters in such a prestigious business school. Saleem on the other hand was a Londoner. He already had his financially firm running when he enrolled in the program. Saleem had noticed Farhana the first day itself when she walked in properly dressed as a Muslim woman. He could not help but admire that being a lady, she was not only smart but she also maintained her Islamic dress code.

Over the year, they had become good friends and soon best friends. Everyone had thought that they would one day get married. Farhana however, had a traumatic past. A past she was trying to forget. A past of a broken marriage, of a dream shattered and a fear that gripped her constantly. She had come to London not only to get her education but also to get away from the life she had left behind. She never told anyone anything. Nor did people know about her. She did however mention the fact to Saleem and he had been disturbed a great deal. He had reacted as though it was her fault that her marriage had broken and he thought it was proper that she should only get married again as soon as possible.

Farhana had been disappointed. She had not expected such insensitivity. Not from Saleem at least but then, weren’t men always men? Would they ever understand a woman’s heart? What she feels, what she hides and what she shows? No, they never would.

It had been on their graduation when destiny took an unplanned route. Farhana and Saleem had been soul mates. Despite their altercations, they respected one another mainly for the good muslim each of two were. It had been rare to find a good muslim friend in London in such a situation. After the ceremony, Saleem asked Farhana what her plans were. Would she take up the offer she had received in London?

Farhana glanced up. ‘Only if you ask me to stay’ she thought to herself. She didn’t really know what her feelings were. She knew she respected Saleem and she had grown to trust him. He had treated her respectfully which had been so contrasting from where she had been. “I don’t know” she said cautiously. “What do you think I should do?” she had asked him. “I think you should get married.” ‘Oh there he goes again’ Farhana had thought to herself. ‘Let me tease him’ “Sure I would love to but you haven’t really asked me yet” she told him with a mischievous smile. “Really? Well why would you want to marry me?” he had asked seriously. Farhana had not realized that what had started as a joke had turned to something serious. “Well...” she stammered. Then deciding to be honest with herself, she took the bold step and had told him “because I feel safe when I’m with you”. Safe. Yes, that was truly what she felt. She felt at peace, she enjoyed his companionship and there was a commadery between them that had been so rare to find. She felt safe- she knew that with him, she would not have to go through the pain she had been through.

“I think you want to marry just because you want to feel safe and protected.” He had replied.

Farhana looked at him confused. She hadn’t meant only that. It was just a feeling she felt… among the other feelings. He was looking at her intensely and then casually remarked, “You know if you would have told me you wanted to marry me because you loved me, I would have married you”.

Farhana had stood still. He was waiting. Waiting for her to say something. “Well then it’s really sad that one has to say the words “I love you” explicitly for the other person to know that they love you.”

With that she had gotten up and walked away. He had not come after her and she had sat the whole night in her room. She didn’t understand what the feelings she was feeling were. Was it anger? Was it sadness? Was it regret? Regret? Regret of what? Of loving a friend for the sake of Allah only to be told that she didn’t love him?

She had caught the last flight to Johannesburg that night. That had been the last time she had seen him. When she reached home, she met Ahmed through a family friend who was over zealous in getting them together and whose life’s mission was to get them married. They had married. They were now married for eighteen years and had three wonderful children. She had worked her way up the company’s ladder and life had been good for her. Faith however, has its own fancies and whims. Today, twenty years later, she now had to face the man whose few words had questioned her very essence.

“So what do you do now?” Farhana asked Saleem. “I run my own firm.” He replied. “How about your family. Your wife and kids?” she asked him. He must have married immediately after graduation. She was sure about that. He had after all been a strong vocalist on the importance of marriage. “I’m not married” he replied. Farhana was shocked. Surely that could not be possible. “How come? Surely you were ever so verbal on how wonderful marriage is” she asked him surprised.

Saleem was silent. A few moments later he told her so silently that her flesh stood out.
“A few months down the lane, I realized that I had failed to understand the one person I truly cared for. I failed to understand her feelings and I had lost her. After her, I never did find someone whom I could understand or who could understand me. I couldn’t find someone whom I could trust and who could trust me. I guess I never did find someone with whom I could feel … safe.”

Farhana felt her heart beat faster. She looked away and tried to blink back her tears. Needless to say she knew who was his friend and a surge of emotion choked her to know that he had at last understood her albeit, too late: very late.

They sat in silence not knowing what more to say and when they reached their destination, they parted in silence.

The wisdom of a grandmother

Husna gazed out of the window and saw the sun was setting. She glanced up at the living room clock and saw it was time for prayers. She rose from the chair. It was rather difficult for her. Her bony fingers clutched the arms of the sofa as she forced all her energy on getting up. Quickly she removed them and grasped the walking frame. She moved one leg forward and moved towards the washroom. She was covered in warm clothes always. Wearing a sweater and a shawl wrapped around. She wore socks in her legs at all time yet she remained cold. The last time she was warm was ten years back. She had been out with her children on a picnic. How she wished she could feel a moment of that time.

Her daughter-in-law came in from the kitchen and helped her. She was a kind soul. She took care of Husna and tried to foresee whatever she would want. Whenever it was time for prayers, she’d help her mother-in-law in performing ablution and laying down her prayer mat, adjusting the chair just before it and making sure that the side table had all her prayer books, the Quran Shariff and prayer beads. Husna had lost mobility over time. Her arthritis had won. She had maintained herself till seventy but now, ten years later, she had became weak.

After finishing her namaz and reading Quran Shariff, she rang the bell. Her son had told her to ring the bell whenever she was done. This way the children let her alone and did not disturb her and once she had finished her prayer, they would come in and sit with her. She thanked God everyday that she got a loving son and a good daughter-in-law. They had four children; two girls and two boys. The girls were married and were starting their new lives with their husbands. Husna was glad she got the chance to see them wedded off. It is quite rare for one to see their grandchildren’s marriage. As for the boys, they were just too much for her. Always up to pranks and mischief especially the younger one. He hugged her too much for her liking. He had always been like that since a child. Now he was sixteen. Husna smiled, he would turn out to be as handsome as his grandfather.

Her daughter-in-law came in with some hot soup. Really! All she would like is some hot potato patties with sour chutney and a glass of cold sherbet. That was however not to be. The doctor has strictly said no oily food and control over sugar. Being old was no fun and especially with kids who were adamant to follow whatever that five feet doctor told them. She finished her soup like a good girl. “Where is Ali?” she asked her daughter-in-law. “He is yet to come from school ammi” she told her. “Why so late? It’s after sunset. Don’t tell me that crazy headmaster is again punishing my boy!” she huffed. She had met the headmaster and she did not like him. He punished the children too much for her liking. “Well Ammi, don’t forget Ali is not exactly the golden student” she replied with a smile. Husna nodded. She was amused. She knew Ali would have done something naughty. One day he mixed a water colors in a glass of water and added some red chili powder. He had then asked the peon to take it in to the headmaster. The headmaster had choked on the drink. Ali was not mean. He was just so naughty and up to pranks and he was the heart of his family and friends and the apple of the eye of his grandmother.

At 9 o’clock Ali came back. It had been raining and he came back drenched like a drowned kitten. He gave his sheepish smile to his mom, went into his room and changed. He then went to meet his grand mom. He was closest to her. She shared his streak of naughtiness and Ali was sure he got it from her. He narrated to her what he had done that day. When the principal was out on his rounds, Ali and his friend Junaid had sneaked in to his office and wiped oil over his seat. That evening when he came out to go home, his pant was looked wet. That had set the whole school laughing. Husna laughed heartily. She knew it was bad but she couldn’t help it. That man deserved it. He was a cruel dictator. However, after they had laughed their hearts out, Husna told Ali that he now had to leave the pranks. The man would remain as stubborn and dumb witted. Ali conjured with her. He was now done with the headmaster.

He was silent. As though contemplating something, whether to tell his grand mom or not. Husna looked at him with her beaded eyes. She smiled. Children never do come to know that their parents bore them. They know them in and out, when they are happy, when they are sad, when they are lying or when they are hiding something. They knew their children before they could even speak. She knew there was something on Ali’s mind. Something she recognized.

“Who’s the girl?” she asked. Ali looked up. He was shocked. How did grandma know he was thinking about a girl? Husna smiled at him knowingly. Ali smiled back. “Zahira, she is in my science club. I don’t know grandma but I feel very strange when she is around” he told her shyly. “Oh. You mean you feel shy and you find your heart beating faster” Husna said teasingly. Ali turned crimson and nodded. Husna laughed. The confusions of a young heart. Hadn’t she gone through it… for that matter, everyone?

“Do you like her?” She asked him. “Yes”, Ali replied. “She is kind and she is shy but she is very smart and she is one of the good students.” “What do you plan to do?” Husna asked him. “I don’t know” Ali replied. Was he supposed to do something? “Do you think this Zahira likes you?” She asked him. “I think so. She always smiles at me. She smiles at me rather shyly. She hardly talks to me. At times I feel she avoids me. I want to talk to her, grandma, like you know, be her friend and get to know her but somehow she always distances herself. I think that makes me even more restless. Why does she do that?” he asked her.

‘Oh ho!’ Husna thought. ‘The traffic is two way. Hmmm’ “What kind of a girl is she? Is she very friendly with everyone or does she keeps to her set of friends?” she asked him. “She is a confident girl grandma. She can go and talk to anybody and often is on the committee of every club. Her close friend is Mariam and they two are always together. They come to school together and apart from her she keeps to her girls group. She is however not timid or shy. She can talk to any boy regarding school work and projects. I have been observing her for the past one month.”

Husna was happy to hear this. She was glad that the girl who had won her grandson’s heart was a good and smart girl. She sounded perfect. Only her little grandson didn’t know that he had fallen in love. Love was strange. It creeps in when one least expects. She was sure that the girl was also smitten by Ali. After all, who would not be? Ali had the personality, the looks, and the intelligence. She was so proud of her grandson.

“The fact of the matter is son, that both you and Zahira like each other. Usually a woman, and a good woman, I am not talking of those girls who openly flirt and are shameless, but one whose heart is won by a man- hides her feelings. She maintains her distance. Partly because it makes her nervous just like it makes you and partly because she doesn’t trust herself as to what she may do. People do crazy stuff in love. At such times, it’s always best to keep away.” Husna explained.

“Really grandma? Do you think she likes me too? That she feels the same way as I do? That she is just as confused as me?” Ali asked unbelieving.

“Really” Husna affirmed smilingly.

“What shall I do?” He asked her. He trusted his grand mom. He would follow her advice always. Whether it came to his spiritual matters, his school work or now, that he was a young man, his heart matters.

“Leave her alone”. She replied

“What?” Ali could not believe his ears. If grandma believed that Zahira also liked him then shouldn’t he do something? Shouldn’t he tell her he liked her? Shouldn’t they become friends?

“Yes son. Leave her alone. Become busy in your life. Divert your mind. Concentrate on your studies and your future. At this point son, you are just sixteen. Both of you are still children. I would not advice friendship also because I know both of you have feelings for each other. Where these feelings would lead you, I don’t know. It’s like playing with fire. Therefore, I think it’s best you avoid fire.”

“But grandma, what about our feelings? Are they really not worth contemplating on? I mean this urge to know the other, to be her special someone?”

“Your heart son will one day hold someone special. I want that someone to be your wife. I do like Zahira. From what you have told me, I think she is a good girl and she would be good partner for you. Yet you two are too young and friendship is not possible when the line is crossed. You have admitted your feelings that it is beyond friendship. It is love my son.”

“I’m confused grandma. At one point you ask me to keep away from her and on other hand you say she is the perfect girl for me.” Ali tried to make out what his grandmother was trying to say.

“What I’m saying son is that keep your feelings covered up. Live your life as a student, finish your studies and when you have graduated, if you still like Zahira and you feel she likes you too, I will personally go to her family and ask her hand for you. At this point son, it’s too early. In my days it was not. Girls used to be betrothed by fourteen, fifteen but today’s generation wait till they are eighteen and in their twenties.”

The message dawned on Ali. Grandma was not against his or Zahira’s feelings. She was thinking about their future together. She was thinking of how they could be together forever and for that, a little sacrifice of maintaining their distance. They were after all young and God knows how impossible it can be not to fall in error. The respect for his grand mom grew even more and he got up and hugged her.

‘Oh here he goes again’ Husna thought. ‘This boy never gets tired of hugging’. She hugged him back and felt the grandmotherly love flow to him. She loved this boy. A boy who was now turning into a man.

“You are so right grandma. Yet I have a fear what if someone else takes her away from me?” He asked her with his eyes filled with fear. Husna laughed. “If she is in your destiny, no man will ever take her away from you. From what you said, I think it’s unlikely. She likes you.”

“All right grandma. I will do as you say. I will go to school and study and finish my studies well. When will you talk to her family?” he asked her anxiously.

“When you get into college. I will go and talk to them and fix up your engagement. At that time we shall see what to do. Whether to get you two married and both of you go off to college or you two finish college and then get married.” She replied.

“Oh I rather we both get married and then go off to college.” He replied earnestly. Husna laughed. The woes of the restless heart. “Ok, Ok, we will see then. Now you get away from me and go have your food and work on your homework. What we discussed will be our little secret” she winked at him.

Ali smiled. He felt so happy. He wanted to pick her up and dance with joy. He kissed her on her cheek and went away. Husna wiped her cheek once he had left the room. Really that boy loved her too much for her liking. She got up and walked feebly to her drawing table. She removed her diary painstakingly and opened the pages of her will. She kept her will ready for she didn’t know when Allah Taala would call her back. She wrote with great difficulty her wish to get her grandson married to Zahira should she not live before their engagement. She then wrote a letter addressed to Zahira’s parents asking for the hand of their daughter for her grandson. She sealed it and kept it back in her dairy. She was tired now. It had been a tiring day.

She said two rakats of prayer for her grandson. She begged Allah Taala to protect him especially now that he was vulnerably in love. Her daughter-in-law came in and helped her get ready for bed. She sat on her bed while her daughter-in-law propped up the pillows for her. She opened her Quran Shariff and read a chapter. At ten o’clock she had finished her reading and switched off the lights. As she lay down her bed and closed her eyes, her memories came back to her.

He had been her neighbor. They had shifted in when she was sixteen. He had been four years elder to her. When they first saw each other she had looked away. They both had avoided each other. She used to feel shy when he was around. They both knew they liked each other. Two years later when she had finished her schooling, his mother had come to ask her for her hand. They both had known since the day they saw each other, they were going to be together. He had left this world fifteen years before. As she turned towards her right, her eyes felt moist. She missed her companion of forty seven years.

Thinking of Ali, Husna smiled. History was repeating itself.